ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
