At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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