Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
