I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
