flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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