Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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