I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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