Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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