I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
