I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
