tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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