so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
