did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
