The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
