Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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