And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
