Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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