Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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