my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
