he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
