My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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