I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
