Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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