he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
