the new term for farting is butt boxing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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