My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
