my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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