i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
