evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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