Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
