I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
