I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
