even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
