Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
