Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
