My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
