i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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