Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
