If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
