My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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