Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
