I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
