Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
ok first of all what the fuck
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
