So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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