just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
