Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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