The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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