I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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