Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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