Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
