I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
