I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
