Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
